A Comprehensive Analysis of the Enemy 2: We Win

PART EIGHT

*ANDREW proceeds to run up to STACY, grabbing hold of her. The pink shirt on her body shakes wildly, as it is much too big for her- the stomach of the shirt is stretched to accommodate Alex.

STACY: Please.. let me go home.

ANDREW: NOT UNTIL WE PLAY MARIO KART!

*ANDREW then holds up his Nintendo 64 game console.

STACY: What?

ANDREW: Let's get married. I have four controllers. We could have two kids and have four player matches. I would always win, of course. I'm the real master.

STACY: What do you mean, married?

ANDREW: I would be Link, you could be Zelda! Then we could name our boys Mario and Luigi, or even Ice Climber 1 and Ice Climber 2!

STACY: Andrew... you're scaring me... can I go home?

*ANDREW again assumes his “Seriously I’m just that demented,” face.

ANDREW: What? You don't like me? You must be joking, right?

STACY: I don't think it will work out.

ANDREW: I AM POPULAR! I have NES games, SNES games, I even have a Wavebird for my Gamecube! Don't you understand? (he grasps STACY by her arms) WE COULD PLAY FROM THE COUCH WHEN THE GAMECUBE IS ON THE TV!

*ANDREW shakes STACY. STACY begins to sob again.

STACY: I don't want that. I just want to go home.. I don't want to play Mario Kart..

ANDREW: Then let's skip the foreplay. I want to play Tetris on the DS. Together. Wi-Fi. We'd totally share DSes. Four on the top, four on the bottom, which is pretty insane!

STACY: ANDREW... can you take me home?

ANDREW: We could play with Kid Icarus? Remember him? Bet you don't. It was made by the best gaming company in the world.

*ANDREW then poses.

ANDREW: Nintendo.

*STACY visibly becomes angry.

STACY: I HATE NINTENDO! Take me home. I never want to see a game system again!

ANDREW: NO! Princess Peach never leaves Mario! Ever!

*ANDREW then throws a collar on STACY. STACY struggles.

ANDREW: Youa gonna be-a my-a princess-a.

*ANDREW then lays out on a pedestal, assuming his Jabba the Hutt pose. STACY fights. Eventually, STACY breaks free, running straight home and crying to her mother.




PARTS NINE THROUGH TWENTY OMITTED AS A PUBLIC SERVICE TO ALL.

EPILOGUE

*A young woman with a police badge walks down a long corridor. She comes up to a cell, encased in bulletproof glass, with a small slit in the center. ANDREW is inside, sitting calmly down at a table. His hair is slicked back, and he is slowly painting a picture of Princess Peach.

WOMAN: ANDREW? Mr. ANDREW ROSENBLUM?

ANDREW: And whom may be speaking?

WOMAN: My name is CLARICE. I'm here to ask for your help.

ANDREW: My help?

*CLARICE places a small police document through the slit. Pictured is ALEX, whom is shown with a menacing grin. Spilling out of the document are pictures of Playstation consoles- all destroyed, molested by the hands of ALEX himself.

CLARICE: I want you to help us find this man. You and you alone can help us.

ANDREW: And what about this man disturbs you? His tenacity? His desire?

CLARICE: He has destroyed over a million Playstation 3 consoles. We want you to help us catch him.

*ANDREW grins. Stepping forward, he takes a long sniff of the air.

ANDREW: ....you smell like alcohol. Rubbing alcohol.

*CLARICE frowns.

CLARICE: Hmm?

ANDREW: No doubt you lived on a farm. Had an NES as a child.

CLARICE: I don't know what you're talking about.

ANDREW: What game did you enjoy playing?

CLARICE (pausing): ...Megaman. Megaman 2. But I lost it.

ANDREW: You lost it?

CLARICE: It was an accident.

ANDREW: I don't think so. You did it! You put the cartride in the system, but it wouldn't play. You took rubbing alcohol, even though the label forbade it, you did anyway. You killed your copy of Megaman 2! You ran away from your farm and your stepmom and dad because you were afraid! You destroyed your only copy! You vainly carried your NES out of the building to save it from the slaughter, but it was too late!

CLARICE: I don't know what you're talking about.

ANDREW: Admit it. You can see it at night- the screen, flickering white and black, back and forth, drilling into your mind. It was your fault, CLARICE, your fault!

CLARICE: S...stop!

ANDREW: Now we know. Your fingers- now we know why you are stained in rubbing alcohol. I know your dirty little secret. And now I will help you, CLARICE. I will help you catch the man in which you hunt for.

*The screen pans out, as ANDREW adopts an evil grin.

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